Joke and bit ideas for writers, producers, DJs, bloggers, comedians and others.

Margaret Wegner, now 59, was 4 years old when she fell while carrying the 3.15 inch-long pencil, which went through her cheek and into her brain.

“It bored right through the skin and disappeared into my head,” Wegner said. “It hurt like crazy.”

At the time the technology did not exist to safely remove the pencil, so Wegner had to live with it – and the chronic headaches and nosebleeds that it brought – for the next five-and-a-half decades.

But on Friday, Dr. Hans Behrbohm, an ear, nose and throat specialist at Berlin’s Park-Klinik Weissensee, was able to use modern techniques to identify the exact location of the pencil so that he could accurately determine that the risks of removing it, and then take most of it out.

The operation was particularly difficult because of the way the pencil had shifted as Wegner grew, Behrbohm told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

“This was something unique because the trauma was so old,” said Behrbohm, who has also operated to remove bullets from the brains of shooting victims, and glass from the brains of people involved in car accidents.

Though a 0.79-inch piece of the pencil could not be removed, Behrbohm said it does not present a danger.

And now Wegner, the wife of German boxing coach Ulli Wegner, will no longer have the headaches and nosebleeds, and her sense of smell should also return soon, Behrbohm said.

“She shouldn’t suffer any longer,” he said.

JOKESTARTERS:

• On the bright side, aside from suffering headaches and other pains for 55 years, the victim was able to jot notes down quickly using only the tip of her nose.
• The pop quiz the victim was supposed to take when she originally had the accident was finally re-given. The woman failed and has now been sent back to Kindergarten.
• I’ve heard of “Pencil Neck Geeks” before but never a “Pencil Headed Kraut” (is “kraut” too non-PC?).

SOURCE:

• Centre Daily

Officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late will have to don the striking armband featuring the “Kitty” character sitting on top of two hearts, said Police Colonel Pongpat Chayaphan.

“Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor,” said Col Pongpat, acting chief of the Bangkok crime suppression division.

“Hello Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It’s not something macho police officers want covering their biceps,” he said.

Officers caught breaking the law would be subject to the same fines and penalties as any other members of the public, he added.

“We want to make sure that we do not condone small offenses,” Col Pongpat said.

His department believed getting tough on petty infringements would lead to fewer cases of more serious offences including abuse of power and mistreatment of the public.

Hello Kitty, which was introduced by Sanrio in 1974, has been popular for years with children and young women.

The cat adorns everything from diamond-studded jewelery, Fender guitars and digital cameras to lunch boxes, T-shirts and stationery.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Not to be outdone, police in Manila are forcing officers who misbehave to wear armbands made of envelopes suitable for holding large letters.
• In a related development, male figure skaters who misbehave will be required to get skull tattoos on their genitals.

SOURCE:

• Scotsman.com

Strange goings-on in swimming pools.

A distractable bus driver.

Zsa Zsa’s alleged “prince” found nekkid in his Rolls.

Lame suicide attempt.

And of course, everyone’s favorite, wacky animal hijinks…just another weird week in review:

• Thieving Squirrel Stealing Children’s Chocolate Treats From Grocery Store
• Man Tries To Commit Suicide By Tying Self To Tree For Six Days
• Capuchin Monkey Unlocks Cage And Escapes. Authorities Call Ben Stiller.
• If This Pussy Curls Up On Your Lap, You’re Gonna Die
• Zsa Zsa’s “Prince” Hubby Found Nekkid In His Rolls
• Driver Tries To Kick Woman Off Bus For Being Too Sexy
• Woman Baffled By Theft Of Her Backyard Swimming Pool, Including Water
• Is That A Milky Way In The Pool? Pool Closed After It’s Found *Not* To Be Candy.
• Oral Surgeon Implants Tusks In Assistant’s Mouth As Joke

“I named it the Kinder-squirrel, after the treats. It always goes after them, other sweets do not seem to interest it as much,” the manager of the store in Jyvaskyla, central Finland, told Reuters.

The confectionary, which is intended for children, has a toy inside.

“It removes the foil carefully, eats the chocolate and leaves the store with the toy,” Irene Lindroos said.

Unfortunately, the bushy-tailed thief does not clean up after itself, but leaves the wrappers behind, she added.

Squirrels have a well deserved reputation for being clever and adaptable animals. Many a home owner has seen the small rodents raiding their supposedly “squirrel-proof” bird feeders.

JOKESTARTERS:

• The good news – when this squirrel becomes road kill, at least he’ll have a chocolaty aftertaste, right?
• Squirrels are rodents, and are only considered “cute” because of their bushy tails. But hack those cute tails off, replace it with a coaxial cable and boom – you’ve got a friggin’ rat. STOP STEALING CHOCOLATES YA LITTLE RODENTS!

SOURCE:

• Reuters

WEST VANCOUVER, B.C. – A man tried to commit suicide here by chaining himself to a tree in some remote woods for six days.

Police found him alive after hikers looking for their runaway dog Tuesday evening heard his pleas for help in a remote area of Cypress Bowl Road.

The 48-year-old man in distress could not be reached because of the rough terrain, although he was able to tell police he had gone there six days ago to commit suicide and had chained himself to a tree.

West Vancouver police launched a rescue operation with the North Shore Search and Rescue Team, as well as fire and ambulance personnel.

The man was conscious when he was reached but rescuers required the assistance of a helicopter to airlift him to safety.

He was later taken to hospital for an assessment, although police say it’s believed the man will survive the ordeal.

JOKESTARTERS:

• In a sad twist of events, the tree was found dead after suffocating from six full days of this idiot’s body odor.
• Not to be outdone, Al Gore tied himself to a tree with the intention of not being released until global warming is solved. Sadly, he didn’t tell anyone which tree in which forest.

SOURCE:

• CNEWS