Category — Headlines

Strange goings-on in swimming pools.

A distractable bus driver.

Zsa Zsa’s alleged “prince” found nekkid in his Rolls.

Lame suicide attempt.

And of course, everyone’s favorite, wacky animal hijinks…just another weird week in review:

• Thieving Squirrel Stealing Children’s Chocolate Treats From Grocery Store
• Man Tries To Commit Suicide By Tying Self To Tree For Six Days
• Capuchin Monkey Unlocks Cage And Escapes. Authorities Call Ben Stiller.
• If This Pussy Curls Up On Your Lap, You’re Gonna Die
• Zsa Zsa’s “Prince” Hubby Found Nekkid In His Rolls
• Driver Tries To Kick Woman Off Bus For Being Too Sexy
• Woman Baffled By Theft Of Her Backyard Swimming Pool, Including Water
• Is That A Milky Way In The Pool? Pool Closed After It’s Found *Not* To Be Candy.
• Oral Surgeon Implants Tusks In Assistant’s Mouth As Joke

“I named it the Kinder-squirrel, after the treats. It always goes after them, other sweets do not seem to interest it as much,” the manager of the store in Jyvaskyla, central Finland, told Reuters.

The confectionary, which is intended for children, has a toy inside.

“It removes the foil carefully, eats the chocolate and leaves the store with the toy,” Irene Lindroos said.

Unfortunately, the bushy-tailed thief does not clean up after itself, but leaves the wrappers behind, she added.

Squirrels have a well deserved reputation for being clever and adaptable animals. Many a home owner has seen the small rodents raiding their supposedly “squirrel-proof” bird feeders.

JOKESTARTERS:

• The good news – when this squirrel becomes road kill, at least he’ll have a chocolaty aftertaste, right?
• Squirrels are rodents, and are only considered “cute” because of their bushy tails. But hack those cute tails off, replace it with a coaxial cable and boom – you’ve got a friggin’ rat. STOP STEALING CHOCOLATES YA LITTLE RODENTS!

SOURCE:

• Reuters

Police found him alive after hikers looking for their runaway dog Tuesday evening heard his pleas for help in a remote area of Cypress Bowl Road.

The 48-year-old man in distress could not be reached because of the rough terrain, although he was able to tell police he had gone there six days ago to commit suicide and had chained himself to a tree.

West Vancouver police launched a rescue operation with the North Shore Search and Rescue Team, as well as fire and ambulance personnel.

The man was conscious when he was reached but rescuers required the assistance of a helicopter to airlift him to safety.

He was later taken to hospital for an assessment, although police say it’s believed the man will survive the ordeal.

JOKESTARTERS:

• In a sad twist of events, the tree was found dead after suffocating from six full days of this idiot’s body odor.
• Not to be outdone, Al Gore tied himself to a tree with the intention of not being released until global warming is solved. Sadly, he didn’t tell anyone which tree in which forest.

SOURCE:

• CNEWS

“Oliver” freed himself at about 8 a.m. and led park staff on a chase through the park’s trail system before eventually eluding them.

Park employee Ann Stewart said Oliver will respond to his own name and may take bait of bananas, marshmallow or grapes. She urged people to call the park if they spot the mammal.

“He will bite. People around here have handled him, but he will bite. Just call the Buffalo Park,” Stewart said.

Oliver is a nine-year-old capuchin, a species of monkey native to South and Central America.

Stewart believes Oliver could be in the Country Club or Colonial Estates areas, but said the monkey could have traveled much farther given his ability for speed.

“He could outrun the horses,” she said. “You can’t catch him. If he doesn’t want to be caught you can’t catch him.”

SURVEILLANCE VIDEO OF CRIME:

JOKESTARTERS:

• In a related story, Ben Stiller announced today that he will never ever visit the Tupelo Mississippi area again.
• At one point, authorities had cornered the mischievous monkey, but then it slapped a cop in the face and ran away, laughing.

SOURCE:

• WRAL

PROVIDENCE, RI — Dogs can sometimes predict an epileptic owner’s seizure or sniff at an owner’s mole, signaling a possible cancer.

Now, it appears a cat can predict the deaths of patients in a nursing home.

When Oscar curls up on a patient’s bed and stays there, the staff knows it’s time to call the family – it usually means the patient has less than four hours to live.

The feline’s accuracy has been observed in 25 cases at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center.

“He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die,” Dr. David Dosa said in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

“Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one,” said Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Brown University.

The 2-year-old Oscar was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at Steere House, which treats people with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and other illnesses.

After about six months, the staff noticed the cat would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He’d sniff and observe patients, and those he stayed with would wind up dying in a few hours.

Dosa said Oscar seems to take his work seriously and is generally aloof. “This is not a cat that’s friendly to people,” he said.

Oscar is better at predicting death than the people who work there, said Dr. Joan Teno of Brown University, who treats patients at the nursing home and is an expert on care for the terminally ill.

She was convinced of Oscar’s talent when he made his 13th correct call. While observing one patient, Teno said she noticed the woman wasn’t eating, was breathing with difficulty and that her legs had a bluish tinge, signs that often mean death is near.

Oscar wouldn’t stay inside the room though, so Teno thought his streak was broken. Instead, it turned out the doctor’s prediction was roughly 10 hours too early. Sure enough, during the patient’s final two hours, nurses told Teno that Oscar joined the woman at her bedside.

Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the sweet-faced, gray-and-white cat are so ill they probably don’t know he’s there, so patients aren’t aware he’s a harbinger of death. Most families are grateful for the advanced warning, although one wanted Oscar out of the room while a family member died. When Oscar is put outside, he paces and meows his displeasure.

No one’s certain if Oscar’s behavior is scientifically significant or points to a cause. Teno wonders if the cat notices telltale scents or reads something into the behavior of the nurses who raised him.

Nicholas Dodman, who directs an animal behavioral clinic at the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine at Tufts University and has read Dosa’s article, said the only way to know is to carefully document how Oscar divides his time between the living and dying.

If Oscar really is a furry grim reaper, it’s also possible his behavior could be driven by self-centered pleasures like a heated blanket placed on a dying person, Dodman said.

Nursing home staffers aren’t concerned with explaining Oscar, so long as he gives families a better chance of saying goodbye to the dying.

Oscar recently received a wall plaque commending his “compassionate hospice care.”

VIDEO:

JOKESTARTERS:

• I’ve heard of dying for some pussy, but this is ridiculous.
• In a related development, a rival pussy named Felix has been known to curl up on the laps of women who are about to become impregnated.

SOURCE:

• USA Today