Category — Politics

Popeye and Olive Oyl forget their diaper bag and cause a major evacuation.

Live video from the space shuttle beams down to a baby monitor in Illinois.

And the DC judge who’s suing a dry cleaners for $54 mil stops court proceedings by crying.

Whadda weird n’ wacky week…

• Woman Hassled By TSA Over Water In Her Son’s Sippy Cup
• DC Evacuation Caused By Two Cans Of Spinach And A Dirty Diaper
• Baby Monitor Receiving Live Video Feed From Space Shuttle
• Ronald McDonald Statue Stolen. Boo Hoo.
• Panty Thief Finally Gets His Wish – To Be Sent To Prison
• Judge Suing Dry Cleaners For Fifty-Four Mil Cries In Court
• Teenage Boy Dials Wrong Number, Tries To Sell Drugs To Cops
• Woman Caught Stealing Toilet Paper From Courthouse. Her Name? Butts.
• Bar Fighter Ends Up Losing Fight, As Well As His Finger
• Roller Coaster Riders Stuck Upside-Down For Half An Hour
• Actor Who Played “Adam” At Creation Museum Loses Job Over Porn
• Robber Caught After Stealing Whiskey, A Thermometer And Lettuce

Summer’s almost here and the weirdness is heating up, with tons o’stupid crimes, a lawsuit over puke, eating Corgis as “protest art,” fake kidney donation TV shows and of course, bomb threats that were totally uncalled for and a huge waste of taxpayer dolla holla ova’ there:

• Man Faces Five Years In Prison For Spraying Lady With Garden Hose
• Poorly-Transmitted Fax Page Leads To Major Evacuation
• Church Organist Loses Job Because She Sold Sex Toy Organs
• Woman Sues Wal-Mart After Slipping In Puddle Of Puke
• Performance Artist Eats The Queen’s Favorite Dog
• Police On Lookout For Nut Who Wants To Be Kicked In Nuts
• Man Shoots Wendy’s Manager After Chili Sauce Source Is Cut Off
• Kidney-Donating Game Show Turns Out To Be A HOAX!
• TV Host Causes Evacuation After Sending Bobblehead Doll Of Himself
• Thief Steals Cash, Then Tries To Steal Victim’s Heart

WASHINGTON, DC — Singer Sheryl Crow should just take two squares of toilet tissue and wipe Karl Rove’s ass after what she did and said over the weekend.

On the eve of Earth Day, Crow and An Inconvenient Truth producer Laurie David walked over to the Rove’s table at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner Saturday night at the Washington Hilton.

Their differences on global warming quickly bubbled over, the Washington Post reported Sunday.

“I am floored by what I just experienced with Karl Rove,” David said later. “I went over to him and said, I urge you to take a new look at global warming. He went zero to 100 with me. … I’ve never had anyone be so rude.”

Rove said: “She came over to insult me, and she succeeded.”

As the debate intensified, Crow tried to calm things down but was drawn into the debate with Rove instead.

“You work for me,” she told Rove, according to the Post column “The Reliable Source.”

“No,” was his response. “I work for the American people.”

Heather Lylis, a spokeswoman for Crow and David’s global warming tour, said Sunday that Crow’s response for Rove was: “Yes, and I’m an American citizen.”

Crow is a successful singer and songwriter whose hits include “All I Wanna Do” and “Every Day is a Winding Road.” David, in addition to her activism, is the wife of TV’s Larry David, co-creator of Seinfeld and the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

In a related story, Crow proclaims that if all humans were to limit the use of toilet tissue, it might help reduce global warming:

“I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required,” Crow added.

Moreover, she also promoted the idea of “not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefullness”. In her attempt to support her idea, Crow designed something called “dining sleeve” – a detachable contrivance which offers the user “the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product”.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Doncha just love it when a stupid celebrity has a run-in with an asshat politician? Of course, I’m on Sheryl’s side in this debate, but she wants to limit how many tissues I use to wipe my ass? And she’s invented a “dining sleeve” so I can wipe my mouth on my arm like a 6-year old? No wonder Lance dumped her.
• Sheryl, I got a hot tip for ya: from now on, relate all of your ideas through your music. Things like wiping your ass with one or two squares, then wiping your mouth on your arm would sound so much better put to a nice beat. Especially if you were wearing a halter top and flinging your hair in slow-motion.

SOURCES:

• Dallas Morning News
• Playfuls.com

 

HARRISONBURG, VA (AP) — Charles “Benny” Neal, candidate for Rockingham County Circuit Court clerk, wants voters to know the naked truth about his past.

Twenty-eight years ago, he posed in the buff for Playgirl magazine.

“I am not going to run from this,” Neal said. “I am going to run with it.”

Neal, 49, figured his past would be exposed anyway after his own Internet search turned up a reference to his failed attempt to parlay the modeling job into a music career. So why not come forward from the start?

Good call, said James Madison University political science professor Bob Roberts, who predicted some voters will give Neal credit for confronting the issue head-on. His advice to Neal: Take a humorous approach.

Neal, a self-employed businessman and one of eight candidates for the clerk’s job, said that’s his plan.

 

“If I can get them to smile about it, I might get their vote.”

JOKESTARTERS:

 

• Neal says he’s “Not going to run from this,” but after viewing his spread, I think most female voters will.

SOURCE:

 

• First Coast News

The massage table where former male prostitute Mike Jones gave Rev. Ted Haggard at least one “Happy Ending” is being auctioned off on eBay.

As of press time, the highest bid was $1,120. Oddly, the highest bidder wishes to remain anonymous.

According to the eBay posting:

“Own a piece of Ted Haggard history from Mike Jones.

The table where it all happened.

Table is about 10 years old with a few tears but totaly usable.

Will autograph table if requested and in June an autographed book “I Had To Say Something” by Mike Jones will be sent.

All proceeds benefit ‘Project Angel Heart’, who provides people living with HIV/AIDS, cancer and other life-threatening illnesses nutritious home-delivered meals.”

JOKESTARTERS:

• Just think – if this table had a stain on it in the form of the Virgin Mary, it’d be worth thousands more. Can you imagine a cum stain in that shape?
• Mike Jones says he’ll even autograph this table. Sounds suitable for framing doesn’t it?
• The current top bidder doesn’t want his/her identity released. Anyone know Ted Haggard’s eBay screenname?

SOURCE:

• eBay