Posts from — July 2007

An unknown tooth in forehead.

Maggots living in a man’s skull.

Severed hand found by handymen.

Gunman gets group hug.

And Elvis lives – in a rock.

Nothing to read here folks…just another weird week in review:

• Gov’t Building Locked Down ‘Cuz Someone Tossed Salad Behind
• Michigan Girl Credits Spiders For Rescuing Her From Fire
• Rugby Player Finds Opponent’s Tooth Buried In His Forehead
• Doc Removes Living Fly MAGGOTS From Man’s Head
• Woman Finds Image of Elvis In A Rock
• Contractors In Maine Find Severed Hand-Me-Down
• Gunmen Demands Money At Party, Gets Group Hug

Three policemen were drafted in to help free a cat after the animal got its head stuck in a jam jar while trying to get at a mouse.

A motorist went to a police station after finding the distressed animal in Peterborough, Cambridgeshire.

It finally freed itself – and the mouse – by smashing the jar on the floor of Thorpe Wood police station.

“It was like a scene from Tom and Jerry,” a police spokeswoman said.

Passengers in a passing car were happy to oblige: After the man flipped them off and yelled, they turned the car around, got out, and beat him up.

The victim was taken to the hospital for an involuntary commitment.

Anyone who’s attempted writing jokes for any length of time realizes the importance words play in said endeavor.

After all, you can’t write a joke without words, right? (unless of course you’re a mime, but that’s a whole ‘nother column)

Here are my thoughts on specific comedic word usage:

1. Krusty the Clown has repeatedly reminded us of the importance of “K” sounding words. There’s a famous comedy saying that goes “Why say ‘car’ when you can say ‘Buick’” (Note to readers: anyone know who first said that? Insert your answer in comment sbelow)

2. I recall Johnny Carson discussing once how odd numbers, generally, are funnier than even ones. This definitely applies to list jokes, hence the odd tally of three that you’re right in the midst of.

3. I think Steve Martin once swore that the word “Holocaust” should be avoided at all costs…even though it has a “K” sound in it.

Here’s a list of four words I guarantee will insert chuckleness into any gag.

1. Guava: For example: “I swear that bastard had a guaaavvaaaa stuck in his shorts”. “Tomato” wouldn’t cut it…”Banana” is too obvious. Plus, the lengthening of the pronunciation just screams of professionalism.

2. Blango blingo!: Okay, so it’s two words, but I think you’ll forgive me once the checks start rolling in.

3. Antidisestablishmentarianism: No matter what the subject, a guffaw bonanza awaits anyone encountering that super big word. No example due to space limitations.

4. Squank: I believe I actually created this word. However, I also believe in Bigfoot. Anyway, a great word to describe any type of muscle injury: “Hold up, I think I squanked my neck” or “Normally, I would help you bury the body, unfortunately my back is squanked”. You can also use it to mimic some odd birdcall. Unfortunately, this fourth-listed word breaks the standard “odd number” rule, which means I’ve basically “squanked” this entire column.

Write On!!

LINKS:

• Walkpct.com
• Scott’s documentaries for sale:
  • Squatching/Journey Toward Squatchdom
  • This Exit Only
• [Scott Herriott is an experienced stand-up comedian, TV host (formerly with TechTV's "Internet Tonight") and is currently passing the time making and selling original documentaries. In his spare time he remains obsessed with proving to the world that yes, Bigfoot is indeed 100% absolutely real. He claims to have seen the beast, even videotaped it. Where others see the rustling of sticker bushes, or perhaps the faint outline of a fox, he sees Bigfoot. Perhaps that's why he's such a funny sonuvabitch. He can be contacted thru his website.]

PITTSBURGH, PA – A government office building here was locked down and searched with bomb-sniffing dogs, all because someone tossed their salad behind in the women’s bathroom.

The suspicious brown paper lunchbag (always a clue) – containing a salad from a nearby bagel shop – prompted security guards at the downtown building to evacuate the entire office of Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato and close a main courthouse entrance.

The lockdown Tuesday lasted about an hour.

The bag was found in a women’s bathroom on a shelf under a sink.

A sheriff’s deputy arrived with a bomb-sniffing dog and quickly discovered there was nothing explosive about the salad.

“It was just strictly a precaution,” County Manager Jim Flynn said. “I don’t think it was a real threat.”

JOKESTARTERS:

• Security officers knew that something was wrong the second the bomb-sniffing dog started eating the left-behind lunchbag. The dog was later given to Michael Vick, who promptly drowned it in a vat of Newman’s Own Organic Caesar Salad Dressing.
• After being apprehended, the suspect salad was quickly tasered, strip-searched, then shipped directly to Guantanamo, where it will spend the rest of its days rotting away in solitary confinement.

SOURCE:

• First Coast News