Posts from — June 2007

WASHINGTON, DC – Whew…there still is some justice left in America folks:

A judge ruled Monday in favor of a dry cleaner that was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants.

In other words, the stooge bastard idiot who sued a dry cleaners for $54 million dolla holla LOST. Ha.

The owners of Custom Cleaners did not violate the city’s consumer protection law by failing to live up to Roy L. Pearson’s expectations of the “Satisfaction Guaranteed” sign once displayed in the store window, District of Columbia Superior Court Judge Judith Bartnoff ruled.

“A reasonable consumer would not interpret ‘Satisfaction Guaranteed’ to mean that a merchant is required to satisfy a customer’s unreasonable demands” or to agree to demands that the merchant would have reasonable grounds for disputing, the judge wrote.

Bartnoff ordered Pearson to pay the court costs of defendants Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung and Ki Y. Chung.

Pearson, an administrative law judge, originally sought $67 million from the Chungs, claiming they lost a pair of trousers from a blue and maroon suit, then tried to give him a pair a pair of charcoal gray pants that he said were not his. He arrived at the amount by adding up years of alleged law violations and almost $2 million in common law fraud claims.

Bartnoff wrote, however, that Pearson failed to prove that the pants the dry cleaner tried to return were not the pants he had taken in for alterations.

Pearson later dropped demands for damages related to the pants and focused his claims on signs in the shop, which have since been removed.

The court costs amount to just over $1,000 for photocopying, filing and similar expenses, according to the Chungs’ attorney. A motion to recover the Chungs’ tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees will be considered later.

Chris Manning, the Chungs’ attorney, praised the ruling, which followed a two-day trial earlier this month.

“Judge Bartnoff has spoken loudly in suggesting that, while consumers should be protected, abusive lawsuits like this will not be tolerated,” Manning said in a statement. “Judge Bartnoff has chosen common sense and reasonableness over irrationality and unbridled venom.”

Pearson did not immediately respond to a call and an e-mail seeking comment.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Anyone other than me think that this “judge” may have trouble holding onto his job? Does he still even have a job? Maybe he can be the comedic antidote judge on a new TV show about ridiculous lawsuits called “I’ll sue your pants off!”

SOURCE:

• Seattle P-I

VIDEO:

 

Play Video

Dry Cleaner Wins in $54-million Pants Lawsuit Associated Press – (APTN) Jun. 25, 2007. 11:26 AM EST A U.S. judge on Monday ruled in favor of a South Korean dry cleaner who was sued for $54 million over a missing pair of pants in a case that garnered international attention.(June 25)

PETALUMA, CA — Elwood, a 2-year-old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix, was crowned the world’s ugliest dog Friday, a distinction that delighted the New Jersey mutt’s owners.

Elwood, dark colored and hairless – save for a mohawk-like puff of white fur on his head – is often referred to as “Yoda,” or “ET,” for his resemblance to those famous science fiction characters.

“I think he’s the cutest thing that ever lived,” said Elwood’s owner, Karen Quigley, a resident of Sewell, New Jersey.

Quigley brought Elwood out to compete for the second year at the annual ugly dog contest at the Marin-Sonoma County Fair. Elwood placed second last year.

Most of the competing canines were also Chinese Crested, a breed that features a mohawk, bug eyes and a long, wagging tongue.

Quigley said she rescued Elwood two years ago. “The breeder was going to euthanize him because she thought he was too ugly to sell,” said Quigley.

“So ha ha, now Elwood’s all over the Internet and people love him and adore him.”

Beyond the regal title of ugliest dog, Elwood also earned a $1,000 reward for his owner.

JOKESTARTERS:

• In a related development, Paris Hilton won a contest over the weekend for “Hottest But Most Untalented Rich Bitch in the Slammer” in LA. 
• Not to be outdone, last year’s winner was seen after losing the competition in her trailer getting her face poked at and her tongue yanked out lower.

SOURCE:

• WRAL

Ah yeah…another wonderfully weird and wacky week o’news to lovingly look back on, with fond memories of sippy cups full’booze, snakes in a garden gnome, alleged courthouse ghosts (or bugs), breaking, entering and stealing only a salad, no touchy-feely in a DC-area school, death by sex on top of a building and using a human skull to make an ashtray…

• Macabre Thief Caught Stealing Human Skull To Make Ashtray
• Naked Couple Found Dead On Sidewalk After Falling From Building
• Hugging, Touching, Even High-Fiving All Banned At DC Area School
• Burglar Breaks Into Mans Apartment, Steals A Salad And Nothing Else
• Is A Ghost Haunting The Santa Fe Courthouse? (VIDEO)
  
• Latest Garden Gnome Craze? Smuggling Snakes And Lizards Inside ‘Em.
• Applebee’s Serves Margarita To Toddler. In A Sippy Cup.

FITCHBURG, MA — A thief with a penchant for the macabre, as well as smoking, was caught after he stole body parts – including a skull and thigh bone - from a broken casket at a church cemetery and took them home to make an ashtray.

“While he was digging a grave, a casket was broken open, so (investigators) believe he took the body parts to make an ashtray and a pipe,” Police Lt. Kevin O’Brien told the Sentinel & Enterprise of Fitchburg.

Police discovered the theft when they went to his apartment Wednesday after his wife complained that her husband, Keith Chartrand, killed her dog. She said she found the body parts among his belongings.

Police charged Chartrand, 30, with removing a body from a grave and cruelty to animals.

Fitchburg District Court Judge Arthur Haley III ordered Chartrand held on $50,000 bail at a court hearing on Wednesday where Chartrand told the judge the charges against him was “bogus.”

Chartrand’s lawyer, Martin Maynard, did not immediately return a call to The Associated Press on Thursday.

The Rev. Edward Chalmers of St. Bernard’s Cemetery said he believed the remains probably were taken from an older part of the cemetery where many graves did not have vaults.

JOKESTARTERS:

• What this guy should’ve been stealing have been lungs – black, dark, decayed lungs from cancer victims. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it bud…

• Authorities became alarmed when they overheard the man talking about crack. Wisely, they thought immediately about bones and started investigating at the cemetery.

• Gee, when an innocent man says “bogus” in court to a judge when discussing a case having to do with a smoking implement, one doesn’t think of innocence does one?

SOURCE:

• WRAL

COLUMBIA, SC – Police on Wednesday were investigating how a naked couple fell 50 feet from the roof of a downtown office building to their deaths.

The bodies were found on the road by a passing cabdriver around 5 a.m. Wednesday.

Clothing was discovered on the roof, leading authorities to suspect the man and woman, in their early 20s, may have been having sex. Their identities were not released.

“It’s too early to rule out anything,” Columbia police Sgt. Florence McCants said, but McCants said a preliminary investigation didn’t show any sign of foul play.

JOKESTARTERS:

• While tragic young death is never funny, let’s just pretend that a) we’re not related to the victims b) we didn’t know them and c) plenty of time has passed since their deaths…and…action:
• The French call an orgasm “le petit mort” (the little death) but here in America we do things bigger. This one qualifies as “le grande mort.” Get it? The big death? As in…oh forget it.
• In a related development, it was revealed today that Viagra not only causes vision problems, but also the mis-judgement of spatial relationships and height.

SOURCE:

• SF Gate