Posts from — June 2007

“He was panting and gasping for air when we caught up with him after a 500 meter sprint,” Erwin Buenceso, one of the arresting officers, told local radio station dzBB.

Buenceso said the man and an accomplice broke into a house in the Philippine capital and stole two expensive mobile phones. Screams from the residence alerted a local police patrol, which gave chase.

After running a while, the robber asked for a “time out” using hand signals.

When he regained his composure, police seized the two stolen phones and brought him to a station for questioning.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Ironically, the captured thief will now be taking a “time out” for a very long, long time.
• Unfortunately, the thief asked for a full time out when all he had left was one 20-second time out. He was executed on the spot.

SOURCE:

• Reuters

The Wienermobile was on the road for a promotion in which contestants sing the Oscar Mayer jingle for a shot at appearing in a commercial and winning “American Idol” tickets.

The 27-foot-long, 11-foot-tall vehicle was in a construction zone in downtown Tucson Wednesday, slowing traffic. Officer Korey Lankow caught up to it and ran its “Y-U-M-M-Y” license plate to make sure it was street legal.

The plate came back as stolen. Lankow pulled over the Wienermobile, and two more officers arrived to help.

It turns out someone had indeed stolen the “Y-U-M-M-Y” plate off the Wienermobile in Columbia, Mo., back in February. Oscar Mayer officials reported the theft to police there, company spokeswoman Syd Lindner said. The company got a replacement YUMMY plate that same month and notified police in Missouri, Lindner said.

But the plate still came back as stolen Wednesday, with no note that it was OK if found on Wienermobile itself. A message left with the Columbia Police Department seeking to clear up the discrepancy wasn’t returned.

Jeff Kendell, 23, of Salt Lake City, was a passenger – or “hot dogger” in Oscar Mayer lingo – in the rolling wiener. Not missing a beat, Kendell handed out wiener whistles to the officers, who took a peek inside the Wienermobile and snapped pictures with digital cameras.

Arizona Highway Patrol spokesman Quent Mehr said Lankow is hearing plenty about it from his buddies.

“The officer, he’s just like, ‘I don’t believe this is happening,’” Mehr said.

JOKESTARTERS:

• This isn’t the first time the Wienermobile has been in trouble with the law. Previously, it had been impounded for indecent exposure of poisonous meat byproducts.
• When asked to comment a public relations spokesperson for Oscar Mayer would only say “what a load of baloney.”
• Officers knew that the Wienermobile wasn’t stolen when they were force-fed actual Oscar Mayer hot dogs, which consist of scrap meat scraped off the floor of a Chinese meat processing plant. Both cops are expected to survive.

SOURCE:

• Centre Daily

The stylists wear scanty outfits, but when Bean came out of a bathroom in his underwear, a female employee told him to get dressed and turned her back to him.

When she looked back, she reported Bean was naked.

Employees kicked him out, locked him outside and called police.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Not to be outdone, after hearing the news, presidential candidate John Edwards got kicked out of a nearby New Hampshire hair salon after offering to pay $400 for “some trim” while wearing only a speedo.
• With a name like Kevin Bean, you know that he instantly repulsed the sexy stylist with his oversized man boobs, varicose veins and shriveled wee-wee.
• According to police, Kevin Bean was only trying to “exorcise the witchy demons” out of the Salem salon. Ironically, later when he was locked outside in the nude, he was heard repeatedly screaming something that rhymes with “witch.”
• So I guess this means he didn’t get a haircut?
• If you know who “Kevin and Bean” are, then you might get these jokes. Otherwise, write yer own fer cryin’ out loud (why do I have to do all the work?).

SOURCE:

• Seattle P-I

It is with the latter in mind that I have created this list of ten Jokestarter “start lines” that can help you, especially when trying to write a joke based on a news event (ie: “Weekend Update” on SNL).

From experience, I can honestly say that yes, dying is easy, but comedy is hard. Writing good jokes takes time, lots of effort and thought, and lots of “working out” your comedic muscles through using starter lines like the ones we’ve listed below.

Consider this list as a starting point in itself – by no means is it definitive or in any particular order; it is just intended to help you come up with starter lines that may lead to a decent joke:

1. In a related development… (use this when you can come up with a parallel gag)
2. In a related story… (same idea as #1, just slightly different)
3. Not to be outdone… (use this when there’s a rival or another person that may fit into the concept)
4. Authorities are on the lookout for… (best for crime-related events, and best to use when you can come up with a twist gag)
5. ____ first became aware of the ____ when they… (good for stories where something ridiculous happened and the cops/peeps in charge acted stupid)
6. Gee, when a _____ does _____, doesn’t that _____? (good for conversational moments when you wanna go all Seinfeld on your audience)
7. And everyone wonders why… (another Seinfeld-esque line that is more conversational but usually leads into a strong/edgy, opinionated statement)
8. This isn’t the first time _____ has done ______… (good for when you can come up with a similar, fake event that mirrors/parellels the weird story’s main character’s stupid actions)
9. The last time _____ did something this smart was when he/she _____ (similar to #8, only with a bit more ‘tude)
10. If you think that was bad/stupid, you should see _____… (another ‘tude-filled setup line that can lead to a strong punchline)

If you’ve got your own favorite Jokestarter lines, please add them in the comment box below.

To see how some of these lines are used, browse through existing Jokestarters in the archives.

If you’d like to get more joke-writing ideas and Jokestarters, please subscribe to the Jokestarter Newsletter.

Thanks, and good luck!

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SOURCE:

• Craigslist San Francisco