Posts from — May 2007

It all began when a man called a Wells Fargo branch in Maple Grove, Minnesota and told a teller that he was sending a thank-you gift for the good service he had received there.

The gift turned out to be floral arrangement that included what appeared to be a bomb and a set of instructions telling the bank employees to fill a garbage bag with money and take it to the limousine waiting outside.

The tellers did just that.

The limo driver then took the bag of cash to a nearby fire department where a man was waiting to pick up the money.

The driver says he had no idea he was being used to help in a robbery and was able to give police a description of the man that picked up the bag of cash.

The suspect is described as a white male in his 20s, roughly five-foot nine and weighing around 180 pounds.

He was driving a dark green sedan.

Investigators say it’s one of the most bizarre bank heists they’ve ever seen.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Didn’t Carnack the Magnificent do a routine where he held an envelope to his forehead and said “A bank, flowers, a limo and a bomb”?
• So the bank robber gets his money whilst standing in front of a fire station? And nobody noticed him? Perhaps he set a fire so the firefighters wouldn’t be there…
• Using limos to rob banks is on the rise. This reporter see this as a sign that yes, when bank robbers start using limos, the economy is definitely on the upswing.

SOURCE:

• First Coast News
  
• View Video Here

Jadyn Earl John Sessing, 31, of Farmington, is charged with seven counts of felony theft in Ramsey County District Court.

Authorities say Sessing, an assistant day manager at Cooperative Plating, took small bits of nearly pure silver starting in 2004.

Cooperative Plating noticed the missing material immediately but attributed it to equipment problems and, later, a painting crew.

Later, his thefts became bigger, police said.

Sessing is accused of selling the silver to support a gambling habit. His attorney acknowledged his client has a gambling problem.

Sessing “has confessed and taken steps, I’m proud to say, to recover from his addiction. He’s a married man with two children who had a good job. Only an addiction makes this understandable,” his attorney said.

JOKESTARTERS:

• When asked if he did indeed have a gambling problem, the suspect was quoted as saying: “Odds are 3-to-1 that I do. I’ll give you $50 over/under on it…you in?”
• Apparently this guy stole the silver bit-by-bit by actually eating it at break time. You should’ve seen how clean his toilet was.
• Lawyers are painting the suspect as someone with an addiction problem, who we should feel sorry for. Doncha just love it when the scumbags try to turn things around and make the suspect a victim? Can you say Mark Foley?

SOURCE:

• WRAL

It was a big enough bummer for Kenneth Affolter, 40, when he was sentenced to more than five years in prison for making the cute pot-laced treats and soft drinks.

Now he’s getting his ass sued.

Hershey is suing him now for giving his marijuana goodies names like “Rasta Reese’s” and “Keef Kat.” Each came in packaging similar to “Jolly Rancher,” “Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups” and “Kit Kat” candies, according to the Drug Enforcement Administration.

Hershey’s suit, filed earlier this month in U.S. District Court in San Jose, accuses Affolter of trademark infringement, trademark dilution and unfair competition.

Papers were served on Affolter on Tuesday while he was in a county jail awaiting transfer to state prison.

Affolter’s lawyer, David M. Michael, said he was negotiating with Hershey.

JOKESTARTERS:

• “Papers were served” to the defendant while he was in prison. Unfortunately for this dude, they weren’t rolling papers.
• Obviously this suspect was very high when he came up with these product ideas. Can you imagine a group of sober businesspeople pitching these ideas in a corporate boardroom? You can? Hey, give me some man…
• This isn’t the first time Affolter is being sued for making fake drug-related products. Previously, he was sued for selling “Ecstasy-Lax” laxatives as well as “Preparation H-eroin” heroin-laced hemorrhoid treatment.

SOURCE:

• WRAL

The two companies are battling for rights to the phone number “867-5309,” which was made popular by Tommy Tutone’s 1982 hit single of the same name.

Two years ago, Gem Plumbing & Heating of Lincoln, R.I., trademarked the number. Gem’s number works in the 401 area code in Rhode Island and the 617 area code in southern Massachusetts.

The company acquired the number after its original owner, Brown University, gave it up after growing weary of constant prank calls.

However, Florida-based Clockwork Home Services, also a plumbing company, uses a toll-free version of 867-5309 in New England.

A federal judge has barred Clockwork from using the number in Rhode Island and Massachusetts, effective this week. But Clockwork’s lawyers say they’ll fight on.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Nothing gets business like using a phone number from a 25-year old song. Very smart expenditure of your business dollars folks.
• In a related development, two Pittsburgh awning companies are in court, fighting over rights to the phone number “Pennsylvania 6-5000.”

SOURCE:

• WLWT.com

TEMECULA, CA — The tradition of embarrassing your kids by forcing them to wear signs continues, with a 12-year old girl being forced by her Mom to wear a sign that read:

“I engaged in bullying behavior. I got suspended from school and this street corner. Don’t be like me. Stop bullying.”

Then Mom got involved, and things got worse for .

During the suspension week, Miasha Williams mother, Ivory Spann, made her daughter stand outside various schools as punishment for bullying another girl at school.

“I don’t want that kind of environment at the school my child attends, or the school any child attends,” Spann said.

The suspension came May 10, after Miasha and some friends at Gardner Middle School heard that they had been insulted by another student and aggressively confronted her.

“At first she was boo-hooing and saying, ‘But, Mom, I didn’t do anything.’ Well, let me tell you, you did do something,” Spann said.

Miasha’s last day on sign duty was Thursday.

“I don’t want to hold the signs, but I think it’s the right punishment,” the girl said.

Spann said she also plans to organize anti-bullying rallies at high schools. Patricia Mathis, assistant principal at Gardner Middle, said she supported Spann’s right to discipline her child.

“My theory is this: Parents know their children far better than we do as educators,” she said.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Ironically, the mother was recently forced by an Alabama judge to stand outside a Wal-Mart and wear a sign as punishment for shoplifting. I guess she’s just paying it forward, eh?
• Whatever happened to the good ol’ days of parenting? When upset, usually drunk Moms and Dads just went out back, got a switch, then whipped yo’ ass until you bled and cried?

SOURCE:

• WRAL