Posts from — May 2007

Terrance Forte, 32, was arrested Saturday after Camden police found him asleep in his car in the drive-through lane.

Restaurant employees called police about 12:30 a.m. Saturday after waiting 15 minutes for Forte to drive from the first window to the second window in the drive-through.

In a police report, officer William Mahon said he found Forte asleep inside the car with the engine running and his right foot on the brake.

The report said that, as Mahon tried to wake Forte from his sleep, Forte offered Mahon $10 for his food order.

When Forte was asked for identification he could not find his wallet, which Mahon said Forte was holding in his hand.

After failing a field-sobriety test, Forte was arrested for the DUI and taken to the police station.

Forte’s blood alcohol level was registered at 0.19, or more than twice the legal limit. A person who has a blood-alcohol level of 0.08 percent or higher is considered intoxicated under Arkansas law.

Forte was cited for his third DUI offense and was later released.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Can you imagine the moment when the drunk guy wakes up, sees a cop at his window, then offers to pay for his cheeseburger? That is classic stuff…
• Man, you’ve gotta be pretty hammered to want McDonald’s drive-thru food, so the cops should let this guy off the hook.
• So the drunk guy tries to pay the cop, but claims he can’t find his wallet (which of course was in his hand the whole time). This makes me wonder: do we have 100% proof that John Belushi is really dead?

SOURCE:

• Centre Daily

The researchers manipulated the schedule of turning lights on and off to induce jet lag in the laboratory animals, they reported Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Adult male hamsters given Viagra, also called sildenafil, recovered from jet lag up to 50 percent faster than hamsters that were not given it, the researchers said.

The scientists stopped giving the hamsters the highest dose they had been using in the experiment due to a certain side effect.

“However, we used the intermediate dose for the rest of the experiments because at that dose animals did not manifest the effects of sildenafil-induced penile erections,” they wrote.

Flying across multiple time zones can confuse one’s sleep-wake cycle, resulting in the condition called jet lag, marked by insomnia, sleepiness and difficulty concentrating.

Researchers Patricia Agostino, Santiago Plano and Diego Golombek of the Universidad Nacional de Quilmes in Buenos Aires gave doses of Viagra to the hamsters at night, then switched on bright lights six hours early to simulate eastbound flight.

They judged how well the hamsters adjusted to the changes by observing when they began running on exercise wheels.

The drug helped the rodents cope with jet lag only when given before the equivalent of an eastbound flight, not the reverse when they delayed turning on lights to simulate westbound travel, the study found.

The researchers said the findings suggested that Viagra could be useful to help people cope with jet lag or shift work. They said the dose needed for such uses could be lower than the one used for treatment of erectile dysfunction.

Viagra interferes with an enzyme that lowers levels of a naturally occurring compound that plays a role in the regulation of the circadian cycle, the body’s internal clock, the researchers said.

Viagra is marketed by Pfizer, the world’s largest drug maker. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved it to treat erectile dysfunction in 1998.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Using Viagra on hamsters is nothing new – Richard Gere has known about it for years.
• In a related development, hamsters are now flying business class from LA to New York City. And most of ‘em are packing woodies the entire flight.

SOURCE:

• Reuters

The disabled man stunned police when they discovered that he was 10 times over the legal alcohol limit for drivers.

“He was right in the middle of the road,” said a spokesman for police in the northeastern city of Schwerin Tuesday. “The officers couldn’t quite believe it when they saw the results of the breath test. That’s a life-threatening figure.”

The 31-year-old told police he had been out drinking with a friend and was a little over a mile from home when a squad car stopped him as he passed through the village of Ventschow.

Police said that because the man was technically traveling as a pedestrian, he could not be charged with a driving offense.

“It’s not like we can impound his wheelchair,” the spokesman said. “But he is facing some sort of punishment. It’s just not clear yet what exactly that will be.”

JOKESTARTERS:

• I’ve got an idea for his punishment – how about you make it so he can’t walk again, and has the spend the rest of his friggin’ life in a wheelchair? Would that be punishment enough Herr Occifer?
• In a related story, cops in Germany don’t have much to do lately, other than ticket disabled people.

SOURCE:

• Reuters

If you ever get engaged to her, be extra careful.

Angry Emma recently dumped her fiance’s van, full of almost all his belongings, into a local harbor. Nearly everything he owns — clothes, CDs, DVDs and his van.

Police in northwestern England have arrested Thomason, 24, after she allegedly packed her partner’s possessions into his van, drove to the harbor and left off the hand brake Sunday. She was charged with aggravated vehicle-taking without consent and released on bail.

The incident reportedly followed an argument between Thomason and Jason Wilson, 24, her partner of seven years and the father of her two children.

“She put every single last item of clothing I had in the back of the van. All I was left with were the clothes I was wearing,” Wilson told reporters.

“I haven’t told her yet that the wedding is off, but I think she can put two and two together.”

The van was pulled out of the water on Monday.

“The recovery operation was quite difficult, they had to partly drain the harbor to get the vehicle out,” said Inspector David Gartland of Cumbria Police.

JOKESTARTERS:

• One of the funnier parts of this story is the actual quote from Jason, the guy whose van full of stuff was dumped: “I haven’t told her yet that the wedding is off, but I think she can put two and two together.” This from the guy who’s stuff was dumped!
• Actually, dumping your fiance’s van full of stuff into the water isn’t a bad sign – in some cultures it’s a pre-wedding, good luck tradition. I see great things in store for both Emma and Jason…
• Authorities had to partially drain the harbor to retrieve the van. They also had to drain the egos of these two stupid lovebirds to clean up this mess.
• Police won’t say what the fight was about that the couple had, but we here at Jokestarter speculate it wasn’t over whose turn it was to do the dishes. Dumping someone’s van full of all their stuff is a clear sign that it’s time for counseling. Or jail.
• I was beginning to wonder what the great English actress Emma Thompson was up to these days. Now we know!

SOURCE:

• WTLV

HUNTINGTON, W.Va. – A man slept through being shot in the head Sunday morning, and didn’t realize his noggin had been noodled until he awoke nearly four hours later and noticed blood coming from his head, according to the Cabell County Sheriff’s Department.

A small-caliber bullet struck Michael Lusher, a 37-year-old Altizer man in the head as he slept Sunday morning.

The bullet that struck him was one of five that someone sprayed across his mobile home and truck at about 4:20 a.m. Sunday, McQuaid said. The one the struck Lusher apparently lost velocity as it traveled through two walls.

“We’re just glad he didn’t suffer any life-threatening injuries with a head wound,” he said.

Lusher came home from a night on the town about an hour before he was shot while lying in bed, McQuaid said.

He remained hospitalized at St. Mary’s Medical Center on Monday.

His condition was not immediately available.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Obvious: this guy needed this like a hole in the head.
• Actually, the victim’s first clue something was amiss was when he kept having a recurring nightmare about a malfunctioning air conditioning unit over his bed.
• This story’s further proof that everyone, no matter their age, location or income, and despite protestations from hair stylists everywhere, should only sleep while wearing a bullet-proof helmet.
• In other news, unconscious trepanning is all the rage now in West Virginia.

SOURCE:

• Seattle P-I