Posts from — May 2007

A bomb technician discovered a suspicious package that contained a “Schrammie” bobblehead doll that the irritant host awards to public officials for perceived errors.

The package, sent by an intern at KOMO-TV in Seattle, was addressed to Department of Corrections Secretary Harold Clarke at the department’s headquarters in this town near Olympia.

It didn’t have a return address and the mailing label was handwritten. It also had stains on the outside, which could have indicated that the item inside had leaked, said Washington State Patrol Sgt. Ted DeHart.

“It had the classic indicators of a suspicious package,” DeHart said.

The building’s 350 employees were evacuated for about 45 minutes Friday after the package was found in the mailroom.

A bomb technician from the State Patrol who opened the box found a “Schrammie,” which television commentator Ken Schram hands out to public officials he thinks have done wrong.

“To the best of my knowledge, this is the first time that the bomb squad was called in when we sent a `Schrammie,’” said Jimm Brown, a KOMO spokesman.

Brown said Schram sent the doll to Clarke because he was upset about the announcement earlier this year that the state had released 83 felons from jails early.

“I’m going to have to wind up giving myself a `Schrammie,’ for crying out loud,” Schram said.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Finally, we have official, tangible proof that Ken Schram bombs.
• After further investigation, it was found that the mysterious stains on the outside of the box were from tears cried by John Carlson, a fellow KOMO-TV host (that this reporter went to high school with…).
• I used to work on a local comedy show in Seattle called “Almost Live!” and Schrammie’s show was our competition, hence the deep-seated hostility.
• Hey, at least it wasn’t a bobblehead of John Carlson. They would’ve evacuated everyone who didn’t believe in Creationism then, which would be everybody west of the Cascade Mountains…

SOURCE:

• Seattle P-I

Two men took an unspecified amount of cash, according the store’s owner. But instead of fleeing, one man lingered and tried to strike up a conversation with the woman he had just robbed.

“He stuck around and was trying to get the female employee’s number,” U-Haul general manager Patrick Sobocinski said. “She said he was just saying, ‘Hey baby, you’re pretty fine.’”

According to Sobocinski, one robber went behind the counter, put his hands around both employees’ waists and demanded money.

The robber forced one employee to open the register and grabbed cash. Then he forced the workers to the ground and fled, but his accomplice waited for a few moments and then asked one clerk whether she’d go out with him, he said.

“She said he was saying, ‘Can I get your number and go out sometime,’” Sobocinski said.

No surprise ending here – the woman turned him down, and he fled.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Obvious play on words: The thief stole money, while the cashier stole his heart.
• Ah…ain’t love grand? Larceny that is.

SOURCE:

• Centre Daily

Blame my Mom (remember it was Mother’s Day).

No really…go ahead and call her, I’m sure she’ll understand.

Regardless, here’s your two-week recap o’weirdness and wackiness, and mostly of odd robberies:

 

• Runaway Train Full Of Cheap Beer Spills Load In Denver
• Apple Not Too Turned On By New Sex Toy Called The iGasm
• Man Gets DUI After Falling Asleep In McDonald’s Drive-Thru Lane
• Viagra Potential New Cure For Jet Lag (At Least For Hamsters)
• Cops In Germany Pull Over Man In Wheelchair And Give Him DUI
• Angry British Woman Dumps Fiance’s Van Full Of Stuff Into Harbor
• Sleeping Man Awakes To Discover He Has A Bullet In His Head
• Flowers, Limo And Bomb Used In Very Bizarre Bank Robbery
• Another Day, Another Guy Stealing Valuables ‘One Piece At A Time’
• Dude Who Sold Pot-Laced “Stoney Ranchers” Is Being Sued By Hershey’s
• Plumbing Companies Go To Court Over Phone Number From Lame Song
• Mom Forces Daughter To Stand Outside Schools Wearing Sign
• Man Bites Toddler To Teach Kid That Biting People Is Wrong
• Suspicious Package That Shut Down LAX Was A Sprinkler
• Doting Mother Drives Son To Rob Jewelry Store
• Woman Tries To Rob Bank While Riding In Limo
• Two Boys Arrested For Holding Up Store With Squirt Gun
• Robber Arrested While Quaffing Brew. Across From Bank He Robbed
• New Homeowner Finds Former Owner On Couch. Mummified.
• ‘Steal The Rainbow’! Man Steals Truck Full Of Skittles Candy
• Man Breaks Into Empty Jail Cell. Locks Self In. Breaks Out Again.
• Pitty Smaat Kid Puts Bullets In Vise, Whacks ‘Em With Hammer
• New Technique To Purse Snatching In Florida: Pretend to Puke
• Four Folks Freed From Fish Feces Formation
• Six Swift-Acting Rescue Teams Save Life Of Dummy

No one was hurt, and the railroad’s mainline operations were not affected, said Steve Forsberg, a spokesman for BNSF Railway.

Forsberg said a switch engine was assembling a train around 4:30 a.m. when the crew lost control of the 34 cars, which rolled downhill into the stationary locomotive.

A tanker car carrying Coors beer overturned and spilled its contents onto the rail yard, Forsberg said.

Another car carrying asphalt was damaged and leaked.

Forsberg did not know how much beer and asphalt spilled.

Two parked locomotives were heavily damaged, and several freight cars were damaged.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Oddly enough, in a related event, a busload of pretzels crashed nearby, thus completing the fantasy bifecta of spilled frat boy dream goodies. Now if only a busfull of Hooters girls would crash…
• The most interesting aspect of this news event is that, because it was a load of Coors beer that spilled, nobody really gives a damn.

SOURCE:

• KIROTV.com

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple, Inc.’s lawyers have their collective panties in a major litigious twist over an unusual sexy new iProduct called the iGasm.

Macworld is reporting that Apple’s not too turned on about an ad campaign for the “iGasm” from UK-based sex toy manufacturer Ann Summers.

The iGasm is a little $60 device that encourages open-minded (and mostly female) consumers to “take your appreciation of music to a whole new level” through a vibrating add-on. That’s right – instead of placing headphones on, you simply place something else…er, uh…somewhere else.

Apple is apparently upset about the advertisements, which look pretty much exactly like its famous iPod ads, except that, instead of a silhouetted guy rocking out with white earbuds, there’s a sexy woman with a white cord running down to her scantily-clad nether regions.

The promotions are rubbing Apple’s lawyers the wrong way. They’re allegedly demanding that Ann Summers strip down all ads for the iGasm or face legal action.

According to the Brit tabloid News of the World, Ann Summers CEO Jacqueline Gold’s response was, “Perhaps I can send them an iGasm to put a smile back on their faces!”

JOKESTARTERS:

• Next time you’re on a subway and you see a woman smiling while listening to an iPod, check to see where exactly the cord from the device leads to. That smile may not be cause by Journey after all.
• This reporter thinks that Apple’s lawyers should try using said device before suing the pants off Ann Summers. They should hold off on making their decisions until the device has effectively been utilized to its fullest.
• In a related development, based on the outcome of this case, I am going to re-name my latest invention, the iPoop.

SOURCES:

• C|NET
• iGasm