Posts from — April 2007

WASHINGTON, DC — Singer Sheryl Crow should just take two squares of toilet tissue and wipe Karl Rove’s ass after what she did and said over the weekend.

On the eve of Earth Day, Crow and An Inconvenient Truth producer Laurie David walked over to the Rove’s table at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner Saturday night at the Washington Hilton.

Their differences on global warming quickly bubbled over, the Washington Post reported Sunday.

“I am floored by what I just experienced with Karl Rove,” David said later. “I went over to him and said, I urge you to take a new look at global warming. He went zero to 100 with me. … I’ve never had anyone be so rude.”

Rove said: “She came over to insult me, and she succeeded.”

As the debate intensified, Crow tried to calm things down but was drawn into the debate with Rove instead.

“You work for me,” she told Rove, according to the Post column “The Reliable Source.”

“No,” was his response. “I work for the American people.”

Heather Lylis, a spokeswoman for Crow and David’s global warming tour, said Sunday that Crow’s response for Rove was: “Yes, and I’m an American citizen.”

Crow is a successful singer and songwriter whose hits include “All I Wanna Do” and “Every Day is a Winding Road.” David, in addition to her activism, is the wife of TV’s Larry David, co-creator of Seinfeld and the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

In a related story, Crow proclaims that if all humans were to limit the use of toilet tissue, it might help reduce global warming:

“I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required,” Crow added.

Moreover, she also promoted the idea of “not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the height of wastefullness”. In her attempt to support her idea, Crow designed something called “dining sleeve” – a detachable contrivance which offers the user “the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product”.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Doncha just love it when a stupid celebrity has a run-in with an asshat politician? Of course, I’m on Sheryl’s side in this debate, but she wants to limit how many tissues I use to wipe my ass? And she’s invented a “dining sleeve” so I can wipe my mouth on my arm like a 6-year old? No wonder Lance dumped her.
• Sheryl, I got a hot tip for ya: from now on, relate all of your ideas through your music. Things like wiping your ass with one or two squares, then wiping your mouth on your arm would sound so much better put to a nice beat. Especially if you were wearing a halter top and flinging your hair in slow-motion.

SOURCES:

• Dallas Morning News
• Playfuls.com

SOUTHBRIDGE, Mass. — Ryan Fitzgerald is unemployed, lives with his father and has a little bit of time on his hands.

So, he decided to offer his ear, to anyone who wants to call:

After posting a video with his cell phone number on YouTube on Friday, the 20-year-old told The Boston Globe he has received more than 5,000 calls and text messages.

Fitzgerald said he wanted to “be there,” for anyone who needed to talk. “I never met you, but I do care,” a spiky-haired Fitzgerald said into the camera on his YouTube posting.

He planned to take and return as many calls he could, but on Monday at 5 a.m., his T-Mobile cell phone payment will begin charging him for his generosity when he is no longer eligible for free weekend minutes.

“I haven’t quite figured out what I’m going to do about it,” he said. “Come Monday, no way I’m going to just hang up on people and say, ‘I don’t have the minutes.’”

Fitzgerald, who said people consider him “easy to talk to,” was inspired by Juan Mann. YouTube video clips of Mann offering “Free Hugs” to strangers became wildly popular on the user-controlled Internet site.

“Some people’s own mothers won’t take the time to sit down and talk with them and have a conversation,” Fitzgerald said. “But some stranger on YouTube will. After six seconds, you’re not a stranger anymore, you’re a new kid I just met.”

JOKESTARTERS:

• I hear the best time to call this dude is 3:45am Eastern Time.
• On a related note, I am inviting everyone over to my house to chillax. My address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, DC. Just jump over the fence and run as fast as you can to the door – it’s always open.

SOURCE:

• News.Yahoo.com

BOSTON — With all the recent violence in schools and the workplace, it’s refreshing sometimes to hear about a downright silly, albeit cheesy incident:

Two 16-year-old girls were arrested recently at Revere High School after an argument over nachos broke into fisticuffs, Revere police said.

Captain Dennis Collyer said the girls were in the school’s cafeteria in a lunch line around 11:30 a.m., when they began to punch each other. Collyer had no further details on the dispute.

Both were later arrested for assault and battery, Collyer said. Neither girl was injured in the altercation.

JOKESTARTERS:

• There is nothing worse than women trying to out-nacho men by fighting.
• Tough Girl #1: “You got melted cheese on my tortilla chips!” Tough Girl #2: “You got tortilla chips in my melted cheese!” Crowd: “FOOD FIGHT!”

SOURCE:

• Boston.com

Another week of wackiness (despite the obvious tragedy) involving lots of sex with animals, horny horndogs, goats, donkeys and Richard Gere.

Why is it no surprise that he’s involved?

• Man Caught Having Sex With Goat Forced To Marry It
• Japanese Toilets Burst Into Fire, Burning Many An Asian Ass
• Effigies Of Richard Gere Burned By Angry Indian Mob
• New Luxury Watch Made From Actual Pieces Of The Titanic
• Louisiana Man Finds Out That It’s Not A Good Idea To Drink And Mow
• Bank Robber Uses Taxi To Run Errands After Robbing Michigan Bank
• Man Charged In Crime Case Involving A Duck Named Mr. Peepers
• Man Gets Back At Ex By Placing Derogatory Stickers Of Her On Cars
• Woman Arrested For Shoplifting Blames It All On Her Irritable Bowels
• Drug Dealers Busted By Cop Who Didn’t Like Suspicious Monkey
• Rookie Plumber Makes Mistake, $12 Million Mansion Burns Down
• Woman’s Life Saved By A Smoke Break. No, Really…
• Principal Convicted Of Sex Charge After He Kisses Boys’ Feet
• Your Horny Horndog Wants This Lovedoll. No Really. He Does.
• Yapping Yorkshire Terrier Rescued By Garbageman
• Former Seattle Cop Busted With Highest Blood-Alcohol Level EVAR
• Court Subpeonas Guy. Only Problem? He’s Been Dead For Two Years
• Proud Father Forces Son To Wear Embarrassing Sign In Front Of School
• Buddy The Donkey Called To Testify In Dallas Courtroom

DALLAS, TX — The first witness in a lawsuit Wednesday between two neighbors was Buddy the donkey, who walked to the bench and stared at the jury, the picture of a gentle, well-mannered creature and not the loud, aggressive animal he had been accused of being.

The donkey was at the center of a dispute between oilman John Cantrell and attorney Gregory Shamoun that began after Cantrell complained about a storage shed Shamoun was building in his backyard in Dallas.

He said Shamoun retaliated by bringing Buddy from his ranch in Midlothian and putting him in the backyard.

Cantrell complained of donkey noise and manure piles.

“They bray a lot any time day or night. You never know when they’re going to cut loose,” he testified.

Shamoun said Buddy was there to serve as a surrogate mother for a calf named Lucy that needed to be bottle-fed.

Neither jurors nor Buddy had the last say.

The neighbors settled their dispute while jurors deliberated.

Shamoun agreed to buy some of Cantrell’s land and Cantrell agreed to withdraw his complaint with the city.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Obviously there was more than one donkey involved in this lawsuit. At last count, I see three asses.”
• “Your Honor, I’d like to call my next witness to the stand, but first I’m going to have to ask to borrow your shovel…”

SOURCE:

• CNEWS