Posts from — March 2007

DECATUR, IL — A disgruntled Chicago Bears fan can’t legally change his name to Peyton Manning after all, according to a judge.

Scott Wiese, 26, lost a bet on the Super Bowl when the Indianapolis Colts beat his Bears; stakes of said bet were that Weise would legally change his name to that of the Colts’ quarterback.

Macon County Judge Katherine McCarthy ruled this week that Wiese can’t legally call himself Peyton Manning because it would be too confusing and might infringe on the privacy of the Indianapolis Colts quarterback.

That’s fine by Wiese.

“I had told the judge that I was not doing this because I wanted to change my name, but I was doing it because I was honoring a bet,” Wiese told the Decatur Herald ” Review after Monday’s ruling. “I think she understood that.”

A few days before the February game, Wiese signed a pledge in front of a bar full of people that if the Bears lost, he would change his name to match the Colts player who led Indy to victory.

Manning had a big hand in the Colts’ 29-17 victory.

Wiese’s parents, Debbie and Steve Wiese, were pleased by the judge’s decision.

“Wiese is our family name, and we’re proud of it,” Debbie Wiese told the Decatur newspaper. “I also didn’t want to go through the rest of my life calling my son ‘Peyton Manning.’”

JOKESTARTERS:

• Good thing this guy Wiese didn’t bet on figure skating, or he’d be the next Kimmy Meisner (who? this is a very obscure female figure skating reference; I wouldn’t get it either; but the joke structure works…).

SOURCE:

• CNEWS

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Jennifer Wilbanks, the bride-to-be who skipped town just days before her planned wedding in Georgia, has a new starring role in New Mexico – as the face of a new police recruiting billboard.

The Albuquerque Police Department plans to unveil the ad on 10 digital billboards across the city next week, the Albuquerque Journal reported Thursday.

“Running away from your current job? Call APD recruiting,” the ad reads, above a photo of Officer Trish Hoffman grabbing the veil of a bride, adorned in gown and wedding shoes.

Hoffman got national attention two years ago after Wilbanks landed in Albuquerque claiming she had been abducted before she was set to marry. Photos of Hoffman leading Wilbanks through the airport with a blanket over the runaway bride’s head appeared on televisions and in newspapers across the country.

Now, Hoffman will be on billboards.

“I am sure I am going to get some harassment,” she told the newspaper.

The ad will be up for a month at a cost of $16,000. Depending on the response, the department may incorporate it into fliers, posters and possibly TV ads.

“The runaway bride is one of those stories that people across the nation still talk about,” said Police Chief Ray Schultz. “We hope we can capitalize off of that.”

The department currently has fewer than 1,000 officers and is trying to build the force to 1,100 by this summer.

JOKESTARTERS:

• I know that nothing makes me want to be a cop more than a billboard with the ‘deer-in-headlights’ eyes of a flakey woman. Where do I sign up?
• Doncha just hate it when your mugshot goes into the public domain and you can’t do anything about it? Makes me want to run away…

SOURCE:

• Centre Daily

STRATFORD, Conn. — After leading police on a high-speed chase, a man claimed that he was Vice President Dick Cheney.

John Spernak, 42, was taken to Bridgeport Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.

He later admitted that he wasn’t Cheney but said he was actually “Charlie’s Angels” star Jaclyn Smith, police said. He also claimed to be the husband of Paris Hilton’s sister.

Police said Spernak, driving at more than 90 mph Monday night, hit a patrol car and was shocked with a stun gun before they could arrest him. He was charged with attempted first-degree assault, engaging police in a pursuit, reckless driving, criminal mischief, interfering with police and being in a town park after dark.

Police said they were on routine patrol when they spotted Spernak in his parked car. As they approached, he drove away.

He eventually pulled into his own driveway, but police shocked him because he wouldn’t get out of the car, they said.

Court officials said Spernak had not appeared in Bridgeport Superior Court as of Wednesday, but Stratford police could not provide an update on his status. No one answered the phone Wednesday afternoon at a number listed for Spernak’s address.

JOKESTARTERS:

• You know, the “Dick Cheney Defense” only works if you’re a war-loving hawkish money-grubbing asshole with a heart problem and deep-vein thrombosis, so don’t try this at home kids.
• So this guy goes from being the Vice President to Jaclyn Smith, then settles on being the husband of Paris Hilton’s sister? Dude, you’re supposed to work your way up, not down. I mean, did he expect that eventually the cops would believe him? “Sir, we know Dick Cheney, and you’re no Dick Cheney. However, this husband of Paris Hilton’s sister? Hmmm…I’ll buy that…”

SOURCE:

• Seattle P-I

BASALT, CO — A driver for a popular bus service refused to allow 13 preschoolers on board who she said did not pay.

Usually, children 5 and under ride free, making the Roaring Fork Transportation Authority buses popular with preschools taking summer and spring outings.

Last summer, partly to limit buses from being overtaken by preschoolers during the busy rush hour, the RFTA began requiring them to pay a discounted rate for rides if they were in groups of more than 10, Chief Executive Dan Blankenship said.

On March 20, the driver refused to take the children and their three teachers to their destination unless they paid their fares.

The driver then asked a sheriff’s deputy to kick them off, authorities said.

The deputy asked the kids to leave but gave them stickers to make them feel better.

The driver was following policy but could have handled it differently, Blankenship said.

RFTA sent another bus to take the kids. RFTA apologized publicly and to the children’s parents.

Blankenship said the RFTA is happy to carry preschoolers, who may one day ride the bus as adults and do their part to decrease traffic and pollution in Basalt, an environmentally conscious mountain town northwest of Aspen.

“We don’t like to do things like shooting ourselves in the foot if we can avoid it,” Blankenship said.

JOKESTARTERS:

• Good thing this driver wasn’t controlling that smaller yellow bus…
• Nothing says “move me up the career ladder” like turning away young children and calling the cops over a petty matter.
• Hey, with gas around $3 a gallon I’d refuse to drive my own Mom…
• Even though the kids were stranded, at least they got some free stickers.

SOURCE:

• KOCO

HONOLULU – An airline pilot on Tuesday ordered a 16-year-old student from Hawaii off an East Coast flight after she had a coughing fit.

Rachel Collier was on a spring break trip with Kalani High School, reported television station KITV in Honolulu. The girl’s classmates returned home to Honolulu on Tuesday night, but Collier remained on the East Coast.

Collier was having a great spring break on a school trip to New York and Washington, her mother said. The trip was her first without her parents.

The fun turned into fear when she was kicked off a Continental Airlines flight headed for home.

“The police were called. The ambulance, the paramedics were called. She had fallen asleep in her seat and woke up coughing and a whole bunch of people standing around her, and was asked to leave the plane,” Collier’s mother, Stephanie, said.

Teacher Maile Kawamura said a doctor traveling on the plane checked Rachel Collier and said she was fine, had no fever and did not pose a threat to other passengers.

Despite that, the family was told, the pilot insisted Collier leave the plane.

“Upon boarding the plane (she) was asked to leave by the pilot because she had a little bit of a coughing spell,” Stephanie Collier said.

Rachel Collier and her teacher were left to find their own hotel for the night and had to buy clothes and toothbrushes because their luggage was already on the plane.

“I’m frustrated. I’m really, really frustrated,” Stephanie Collier said. “Why they would do that, especially with two teachers escorting 40 children across the United States, and for the pilot to make that kind of decision.”

A day before the incident, 272 passengers aboard a Continental flight from Hong Kong were detained in Newark amid fears of bird flu.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officials quickly determined some passengers had a “seasonal flu.”

KITV’s calls to Continental were not immediately returned. Stephanie Collier said she spoke with someone at Continental who said the matter would be dealt with internally.

Rachel Collier and her teacher are scheduled to return to Hawaii on Wednesday evening.

JOKESTARTERS:

• I think the real reason she was asked to leave the plane was because she had more than three fluid ounces of phlegm on her. On her shirt, that is…
• Actually, this is a great advertising opportunity for Vick’s/Robitussin…instead of peanuts or trans-fat filled pretzel snacks, they should give out free cough drops.

SOURCE:

• The Pittsburgh Channel